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Sexual Intimacy Before Marriage: What's the Big Deal?



 

To choose the topic of this week’s blog, I googled “what does the bible say about…” and the suggestion of sex before marriage was right up there, coming in at no.2. The Lord truly does work in mysterious or unexpected ways because this is a topic that I am both hugely passionate about and look at from a different angle to the common, “don’t do it, it’s a sin, God says no, it’s bad” retric we all at some stage or another have likely heard in any sort of Christian setting for the last few hundred years. But let’s look at that shall we, and peel back the layers and nuances around this theme because it may surprise you both how little and inexplicably the Bible talks about this theme, so let’s dive in.

 

One of the things I do when researching, well, anything really, is go back to the original intended purpose; this helps get a foundational baseline point to navigate from. The first place sex was alluded to in the Bible was very early on in the book of Genesis. Right at the beginning, when God introduces Eve to Adam in Gen 2, Adam is in awe of this beautiful woman, overjoyed that God has made someone else like him to share, experience and enjoy life with. As Adam says in verse 23 this one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh or translated, she belongs with me, we are the same, we go together (emphasis mine). What a beautiful picture of love and commitment. The following verse goes on to explain the intention of marriage, saying that the man and the woman bond, becoming one flesh, they are a team that works together to rule and steward over the Garden of Eden with loving authority given to them by God. They are not a hierarchy that rules over each other; no, they reflect the Trinity they were made in the image of[1] as a relational unit freely pouring themselves out to and openly receiving from one another. Sexual intimacy was a key part of this pouring-receiving process and was to be a physical manifestation of the deeper or underlying mental and spiritual commitment they shared with each other, and from this sacred space, new life would be created.

 

As I look at this image and intention, at the way we were designed. I find that my soul weeps at the beauty and completeness of this picture. I mourn that I have never personally experienced anything like this and that I am not alone in that experience. As someone who has both witnessed and experienced such a heavy load of dysfunction, betrayal and abuse in this area, I can’t help but wonder what happened. As I look around at the world around me and the things I have been taught about sex and relationships in general, both in and outside Christian settings, I can’t help but think how the heck did we get here.

On the one hand, a lot of Christian teaching around sex has been on the negative or forbidden end of the spectrum, focusing on how “sinful” it is, this is a nod to Gnosticism[2], which separates physical and spiritual, believing that (in simplified form) that everything spiritual is good and everything physical i.e sex, in this case, is bad and how it’s not allowed unless, of course, you’re married, and then it’s fine.

 

Can we just pause for a minute to acknowledge the mental whiplash that position insights and the amount of mental gymnastics a person must do to go from one end of the spectrum (sex is bad/not allowed) to the other, (sex is the best do it as much as you want) usually after one night.

 

On the other hand, we have “the world” or secular system on the other end of the spectrum with the attitude that sex is something you have the right to experience when and with whoever you’d like. That it’s okay, even advised to “try before you buy”, which results in people objectifying each other as tools to use rather than beings to love, cherish, and share with. In fact, why commit to just one person at all when you can have sex with whoever will say “yes” or why even include another physical person when you can watch others doing it for your personal gratification at the click of a few buttons?

 

It doesn’t matter which end of the spectrum you sit on, both distort the incredible beauty, intelligent design, and power and intimacy sex was intended to bring to marriage.   

 

I have observed, as I have read through the Bible, that the times in which God has an issue with sex is when it becomes perverted, twisted into something it was never intended to be. However, this isn’t a unique position for God to take. Matthew 23 is a full chapter of Jesus rebuking the Pharisees for doing the same thing with the Law by using what was meant for liberation and instilling dignity into the Jewish people to oppress and condemn them instead. This is a running theme throughout the biblical narrative, which, in simplified terms, says,


“Stop perverting what I have made good by using it in dysfunctional ways, I love you and created you for more than what you’re settling for”.

 

An extreme example of this where God has actively had to intervene is found in Genesis 19 with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, which, if you read the story for yourselves, you will see has far less to do with homosexuality and much more to do with the fact that the people were completely out of control, completely disordered in their thinking and functioning and utterly selfish in their pursuit of sexual gratification which had rendered them void of morality.[3] They had no respect for the boundaries of others and were full of entitlement and arrogance. They, like the Jewish leaders Jesus is addressing in Matthew 23, had taken what God had created for liberation, connection and intimacy and used it to objectify and control. A modern likeness that comes to my mind is all that has recently had media exposure about Sean P. Diddy Combs and the events that have allegedly taken place in that space.

 

I think at this point, it’s also important to note that what we in Western society call marriage today, the traditions and ceremonies around it, and the legal obligations it holds are cultural and haven’t always looked like that. Many cultures in other parts of the world still don’t look like that. The Biblical Characters in the Ancient Near East had nowhere near the waiting periods that we Westerners do today as we date and try to get to know each other first, and the family was much more involved than our families are today, Issac and Rebekah are a prime example of this, the Bible says that He took er into his mother’s tent and knew her and she became his wife” That’s it sex was sealing the deal so to speak[4]. So much of the courting dating process we have today just didn’t exist back then, and so the Bible doesn’t say much about it, but what it does allude to as we travel through into the New Testament is that sex is marriage, and it is good when used for its intended purpose as a physical manifestation of the deeper or underlying mental and spiritual commitment shared with each other. That seems to be the key to a healthy, functional sexuality, life commitment.

 

So where does that leave us as people in the 21st century, where long dating times are the norm and official marriage ceremonies are declining? As you can see, the Bible doesn’t give a lot of explicit instruction, and that’s really valuable because it shows us that we are invited to think for ourselves as intelligent beings, not mindless robots that need direct instruction to function. What it does do, however, is outline what the purpose of sex is, that we are beings created with inherent worth and value, both physically and spiritually and a brain with the capacity to make informed choices about how we treat ourselves and others. I think it this debate has much less to do with a hard and fast do or don’t but rather officering us wisdom and examples of what happens to our characters and lives when we choose to act on that wisdom living our lives in the centre of God’s will and when we don’t.

Sexual sin, which is really dysfunction or perversion, is costly to everyone but especially ourselves. We do ourselves a deep disservice and cause real damage to our entire beings when we engage in sexual activity outside an intimate marriage relationship; this beautiful union provides the opportunity to be known and loved while simultaneously knowing and loving the other person. We, as humanity, do not have the capacity to experience that kind of intimacy with multiple people, not in its purest form, and that is what God wants for us. It was never about condemnation with God, it was and still is (because he never changes) about calling us higher, restoring dignity and worth back into us and our relationships, and reminding us of who he created us to be. His purpose is to free us from and call us out for objectifying one another.

 



Friend, you are worth more than a one-night stand, an Only-Fans following or a lack of commitment, you are worth more than the pornography you watch or the erotica you read, you were created by a loving creator for intimacy, to be fully known. Whether you choose to follow His design for life or not is ultimately your decision. It’s your responsibility to look at the evidence and choose for yourself, both how you will treat others, how you are willing to be treated, and whose way of life you will follow. I have experiential authority to say it’s a lot easier and less painful to see clearly and make those decisions for yourself before you enter into a physical relationship with anyone.   

 


Like always, if this is an area you struggle with I’d love to hear from you, I know first-hand how sensitive this topic is and how much shame can build up around it, so please reach out for a discovery call. I’d love nothing more than to walk this often hard and painful path with you as it is not something you need to walk alone. If not, I pray that you go well and with blessing.

 

Until next time, keep Testifying

 

Leila - Founder & Pastoral Coach    


[1] Genesis 1:26

[3] Genesis 19:1-13

[4] Genesis 24:67



 
 
 

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